Joy in the Suffering

Ellie was the first baby I got to be a stay-at-home mom with. She was the first baby I got to soak up every precious moment with without having to rush back to work after too short of a maternity leave.

My two older girls were in preschool when she was born, so every day, it was just us. Endless snuggles, naps on the couch, playtime without rushing off somewhere. As she got older, we’d bake in the kitchen, have dance parties, and play unlimited hours of Play-Doh. Our bond was different because of all that extra time I got with her.

At the time, I didn’t truly understand what value that held. I was exhausted with three kids 4 and under. Middle of the night nursing sessions. Lack of so much sleep. Looking back, every single second of that, which felt so mundane in the moment, was a priceless gift I was being given.

There are times that makes my mornings with Savannah feel hard. She somehow has picked up a lot of Eleanor’s quirks. Sometimes I remember random moments Ellie and I had so vividly, playing with the same toys or singing the same songs. I think it’s natural in grief to have moments where you look at the one you have and be reminded of the one you lost. It’s a bittersweet scenario of sadness mixed with gratitude.

Throughout this past year, I’ve learned that’s what healing after loss really means. There is no fully healed version of ourselves while on this earth. We are constantly stuck in this state of feeling pain mixed in with joy. Feeling the magnitude of what we have lost while feeling gratitude for what we have been given.

We must remember that the Bible is full of God’s promises. In John 16:33 Jesus is speaking and he says “in this world you will have trouble.” Another translation says “here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.” It’s not a feel-good promise, but it’s still a promise. This life was not designed for us to never face hardship.

But it’s in the suffering where we grow. It’s in the seasons of being tested that challenge your faith. You can either be in a storm right now, coming out of one, or about to enter one. At some point, you will be face to face with hardship. Walking through that hardship is where your faith has the opportunity to become even stronger.

However, that promise from God never included living out the rest of our lives in a constant state suffering.

The end of that verse says, “but take heart, I have overcome the world.”

Suffering can be made purposeful.

It can be used as a tool of sanctification.

It can force us to look inward at the parts of ourselves we may have otherwise continued to ignore.

Sometimes we unintentionally hold onto our pain, because in a way, that makes us feel connected to whatever it is that we may have lost.

The loved one we may have lost.

The relationship we may have lost.

But these little moments of joy prove that God has overcome the world. That even in the midst of our suffering, we can see His goodness. We can see His faithfulness. We can see His mercy.

Even if it didn’t play out how you thought it should.

Even if life took a drastic turn.

Even if the plans you made radically changed.

He is in the every day reminders. He is in the mundane tasks we feel might not be significant. He is in the moments of sadness where all we can do is weep over our loss. And He is also in the moments where we feel hope for future. He is in those glimmers of joy.

Her name, Eleanor Faith, is a steady reminder for us to cling to the promises of God. That even when we feel all hope is lost, we run back to the fact that He has already overcome the world. Faith is our foundation and gives us the necessary perspective when walking though seasons of suffering.

And Savannah Joy is our constant reminder of the goodness of God. That even in the midst of the storm, there are glimmers of happiness. That although we may walk through suffering, it is not our final destination. There is still joy to be found.

1 Peter 5:10 “So after you have suffered a little awhile, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”

He is still good. Even in the suffering.

And He will always be good.